Archive for December, 2009


It’s been a long time since I’ve been in bed, after midnight, writing.

A long long time.

Ray LaMontagne is playing on iTunes.

J left on Tuesday for a quick New Year’s Eve private party gig down in the islands. They paid his way, as well as a good wage, but unfortunately, the flight was the cost of his wage so there was no sense in my going. This means that a holiday that really shouldn’t mean too much, but does, to me, is going by and I am without him.

I wish that despite the fact that we are together, live together, 24-7 (oh, the perils of two people who are at home during the day, working together) I still feel this stupid disappointment that we’re not hanging out together this week.

It doesn’t help that it’s frigidly cold here, it felt like -1 the other day due to the windchill factor. That’s a bit much for this New England transplanted California girl.

On Tuesday night, I was so cold in bed, without J as my own personal heater. I ended up with the humidifier on, the door shut, praying the heat would come on. I wore wool socks (sexy, I know), hooded sweatshirt, pants…somehow I slept and in the morning, the bedroom was freezing and I thought “Shit, now I have to call the plumber to come fix my heat”.

When I opened the door I realized the rest of the house was warm and the furnace was cranking along. Before calling the plumber to fix the radiator in the bedroom, J skyped in and I told him about how the heat in the bedroom was broken.

And his face froze.

“Woops. I forgot to tell you, it was so hot in there the other day, I shut off the valve.”

He said this while sitting in his bathing suit, just back from a dip in the Caribbean Ocean.

This week  has been a reminder of last winter when he was gone for six months and tonight I went out with a girlfriend to hear a friend of ours perform. And the whole time I had the same feeling of aloneness that I felt last year when he was gone. And I thought to myself, as I drove home alone to an empty house at the end of the night, how aloneness is just a state of mind.

There are many times I’ve been with someone or in a large group, and still felt so alone. Like my marriage. It’s been five years, almost to the day, that I packed my 2 and 4 year old up in my car with some bags and toys and moved to my mom’s house and hour away. I left my home that day and some would say it was the day I left my marriage, but I had left my marriage months and months and months before I actually changed my address.

So, here we are, at the end of a decade and moment by moment, things are changing and they are unexpected and lovely and scary and they sometimes suck but most of the time, for me, now, they are awesome.

J comes home Friday night and it will be 2010.

Do you say “Twenty Ten”? Or “Two Thousand Ten?”

I choose “Two Thousand Ten”.


Walking Through the Mall

Last week, before Christmas, I took the girls to the mall.

It is one of my least favorite places and one of their most favorite. So you might say, I compromised.

Red had the camera and took this video, with a little humming in the background and skip to her step. And I was unknowing of her actions and gosh, had I been prepared, I would have worn a belt that day…or at least pulled up my pants.

J Skyped a few minutes ago from his hotel down in the islands. He was flown there this morning, put up in a fancy place with a HOT TUB ON THE DECK OVERLOOKING THE WATER and will hang out until Thursday, when he will take a puddle jumper to a YACHT and play piano, piano bar style, for a private party.

He’ll be home on Friday night.

So, as I sit here in the “feels like -1” degrees and my house shaking from high winds, winds that are tearing off roofs and shingles and blowing down trees all around us in town, I’m thinking how great it is for him and how badly it sucks to be living in winter already. My hands are chapped. My skin is pasty. I have a little muffin top going down when I wear my jeans. And I can’t go outside without wearing ten frumpy layers, some requiring to be itchy wool, and big non-sexy winter boots.

Oh, counting the months til summer.

We left snow and came back to sunshine

We left Saturday morning to go North for a few days with the kids to see J’s mom and sister and her family. For the second time ever, we stayed in an inn with the kids sleeping on blow up mattresses on the floor of our room, by the fire, on the lake. It was alot of fun and the indoor pool was a blessing with the few days of rain.

Even better, the hot tub sitting right next to the pool, served as a perch for me to stay warm while they swam right beside me.

The inn was cozy and wonderful (but I didn’t sleep much).

J played an extra gig last night at a restaurant up there, so we sat at a table near him and had dinner while he played. The girls enjoyed putting money in his tip bowl, saying, “you can buy Mommy Starbucks tomorrow with that”.

It was funny, since the money came from my wallet.

Yes, I tip my piano playing boyfriend.

On the way home tonight, we dropped the girls at their dad’s house, where they will stay for a week of vacation with him. They invited us in to see their rooms (I had seen them but J had not and he had avoided it for months and months now, he finally conceded and I think it was the welcome from the girls’ dad to come in. I appreciated that, as did J. And I know the girls loved it.

We drove back up the highway to our ocean town and noticed the snow was somewhat melted. I checked the car’s thermostat and it said that it was 50 degrees outside. When we pulled in to our house, the sidewalks were clear, the mound of snow in the middle of the square (where we live) is very small, and everything looks clean and smells like Spring.

Too bad we have a long way to go for that!

At any rate, here is a picture of our neighborhood from tonight.

Can’t beat that, two days after Christmas.

Tomorrow we are staying in Boston to celebrate New Year’s a bit early. J is heading down to the islands for a New Year’s Eve gig for a bunch of folks on a private yacht. Not too shabby, a flight down, a day to rest, play one night, fly home the next day.

I’ll be spending the days kicking the tree out the door and cleaning the house, top to bottom.

I’ll likely sneak some old toys and stuff into the Goodwill bag while the kids are gone and place their new toys and books in the proper places in their room.

I’m even thinking of cleaning out cupboards, or at least, the laundry room.

And I am thinking of movies and Sushi for myself on New Year’s Eve, in my pajamas, with the heat cranked up to high.

The Eve

It’s gray and cold and snow is on the ground on Christmas Eve day.

I drove the girls to their dad’s this morning and they return on Christmas at one.

So, the stockings are now stuffed, the hummus and checca are made, the pie is baking. All that’s left is the triple chocolate bread pudding (yeah) and  putting the chicken in the oven tomorrow, making a salad and putting out the plates.

We’ll be eating on our laps.

I love that.

J and I are sitting here on our computers working out details of our new purchase and sale for the piano bar property we thought we lost on Monday.

It appears the SBA can do something for us that they couldn’t do if we were using another bank (a bank that declined our loan).

Although anything can happen, as we know from this first experience, it appears this may work out better for all of us, the sellers, the bank, and us, as buyers.

So, today, I am thankful for our willingness to let things go as well as our perceptiveness to keep an open mind for whatever may come, even if it is something returning to us in a different light.

At any rate, I’m excited about Christmas, as much as I am excited for a new year.

I’m excited that the rest of the day and evening is going to be filled with movies and food and quiet, before the Christmas storm hits tomorrow (via two little girls) and that sleeping naked with my piano man on Christmas eve will be a treat this year.

I was remembering how last Christmas eve, I was alone, sleeping under double comforters, with sweatpants and turtleneck and wool socks, pining away for him.

I keep thinking about how blessed I am this year, how blessed we all are.

I wish many blessings to everyone I know out there, everyone I have met and corresponded with via the internet.

Merry Christmas!

Wise at Christmas

Here I am, freezing my ass off the other day in the snowstorm that hit New England….but hey, the kids had fun…

…So, sometimes things don’t go as planned, we had a holiday party to go to on Friday, we even hired a babysitter.

We got a call from our broker and after the babysitter arrived, we drove south twenty minutes and spent some time signing the purchase and sale for our piano bar property.

After that, we didn’t feel like going to one of those holiday parties with a billion people drinking all night, so we went to a local bar/restaurant and had a drink and appetizer, thinking we would try a second place for dinner. But at that point, the other place had stopped serving dinner, so we stayed where we were and ordered spring rolls, buffalo wings, sushi, BLTs, fries and molten chocolate cake. We drank wine with all of that.

Talk about a change of plans!

J was going to be home on Saturday night and during the day we were going to go north an hour to a holiday party with the kids.

Well, the kids started fighting, RIGHT when we were about to leave, so J threatened that we wouldn’t go.

Sooooo, we stayed home.

I think he made the rule and stuck by it  because he really didn’t want to go. I didn’t either.

Then he got called for a last minute gig at his sister’s restaurant up north, so he headed up there for the evening, completely missing this major snowstorm we are getting down here near Boston. He skyped from his mom’s living room, next to her fire with the cats and I wished wished wished we were all together, either here or there. It was this sudden urge to feel not okay being apart for a few nights since he was going to gig the following two nights as well.

So the girls and I woke to a snowstorm on Sunday and somehow we all ended up reading in my bed and I made coffee and bagels and we sat in bed reading and eating, quietly.

Suddenly, the small voices in my head that told me I might agree to their dad’s wanting to send them to overnight camp this summer for two weeks, dwindled away.

It was Red’s birthday yesterday and when I asked her what she wanted to do for the day, she replied “Denny’s and the Mall!”

So, we drove down to Denny’s, we shopped at the mall for presents from the girls to not only J, but their dad. We  bought them new sneakers and it’s the first time I could ever convince them to buy real sneakers that tied, you know, the kids that don’t have velcro or slip on.

My babies are growing up.

In the end, we stopped at Princess and the Frog and watched a good old classic Disney movie, something we haven’t seen in quite a while and I felt blessed that my kids are still not too old to enjoy it.

We got word after I got home, from our banker, saying that although the SBA is approving our loan, they will not be. (two banks, our local bank takes up part of the loan, the SBA takes the other). Interestingly, as hard as we’ve been working on this project, we know the road has not ended because the banker is passing it all along to two other banks he thinks may be interested. We also know that perhaps this isn’t the property for us. And then we were thinking, “maybe this isn’t the time for us to be doing this.”

We have no idea.

We’re doing different things suddenly, looking at listings for other locations. Talking about trying to make this current property work. Leaving it all and relax a bit and take some time soon and go to Texas for a little breather weekend sometime soon and good hotel sex.

At any rate, although I’m not all religious and stuff, we realize we aren’t the ones in complete control, that although we are doing our work, there is something greater leading us down our path and I feel it even greater as I sit here in the dark by the tree in the early morning, drinking my coffee, my guy is heading home from his gig this morning, my two little girls are excited for Christmas and learning Parcheesi, and there’s even snow on the ground.

Random odd thinkings

So, I spent a fortune recently on a bunch of Aveda face products back when J sent me to the spa for a facial.

Can I say that it is TOTALLY worth it!?!?!?

My face has been the clearest, bestest, ever, in years (since before kids, before the hormones went all wacky on me)

I bought this serum and that is my favorite.

But I can’t help noticing, every time I squirt some out, it reminds me of something….


It just does, so there, I said it.

Anyone else notice that?

And then I bought this awesome soap at Trader Joe’s, with lavender IN it. There is all this organic stuff in it that exfoliates and smells awesome, but the one thing that has set me back is that the little black lavender leaves sometimes get left behind in silly places like my arm pit or way down “there”….and I start thinking I have bugs, but realize it’s only lavender….

yeah, weird, huh?

The other day, J stepped out of the shower and obviously had washed his face with it. He started spitting into the sink and goes, “I think I had a bug in my mouth!!!!”

And I calmly stood there and said, “ah heck, no, that was just some lavender…”

About two weeks ago we got our tree and it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, the damn thing doesn’t smell. I am wondering “what kind of tree is this?” Well, it’s the kind that obviously doesn’t smell. I swear, it isn’t fake, but it also barely needs water. The thing is perky and lovely and I water it every three days, compared to the past years of watering almost twice a day!

Strange, low maintenance tree…but I sure wish is smelled nice. It smells like, well, nothing…

My mom sent us a box of Harry and David Pears. There are ten of them. I am appreciative and we love pears, but aside from making a pie or having a family of ten, who can eat ten pears before they spoil? I have a gorgeous bowl of pears sitting in the middle of the kitchen island, and fortunately the kids are eating pears now and decided they like them and fortunately I love making pear pie…

I have a confession to make.

I am so fucking tired.

My 7 year old, Blue, is having a two hour holiday party/craft thing at her school and I just couldn’t bear to go and tend to it. I’ve been in the classrooms multiple times in the last few weeks for a variety of things and I held Red’s birthday party last night (where four nine year olds trashed my house) and I just can’t bring myself to help out in her class.

Instead, I am sitting here writing my blog and drinking tea while J and our friend, Brian (amazing voice!) are rehearsing upstairs for some gigs. I am considering watching some TV on Hulu while scrounging up some chocolate.

I figure I will make up for it by letting her eat candy when she gets home, before she has fruit and let her watch tv.

Now that’s putting myself out there

So, I have known Neil at Citizen of the Month for about 4 years now via blogging. (His blog has always stayed the same, while mine has changed names and urls about five times over the course of the last five years.)

Every year he holds a Christmahanukawanzaa Online Holiday Concert, and for the first time I decided to slap my face up there.

You can find it HERE at Citizen of the Month.

My holiday song is the 16th video down (if I counted right).

I am putting out a disclaimer that I am still getting over my cold…