I was pouring my third (small) bowl of this sweet and cheesy popcorn my mom gave me as a present. It’s one of those things that happen where you never really know when to say “enough”.
But I actually said it out loud, to my silent kitchen, to the bowl of sweet and cheesy popcorn. I even poured it back into the bag and made myself a cup of tea.
I received an email from a friend yesterday after I sent out a quick artwork related email. He said:
“I thought of you the other day after getting an email notice that your sister had updated her Linked-in account. It’s funny to see that, or your emails about your art stuff. In my mind’s eye, you’re still the same age as I last saw you, not a full fledge grown up. If I admit my friends have gotten older, then my own youth illusion is shattered. I can’t possibly be old already.”
It made me think how I don’t mind my age of almost 38 or how I look. Sure, if I got more or better sleep these days, I wouldn’t have circles under my eyes. If I laid off the triple chocolate bread pudding (since I know how to make it now) I might be able to lose the 8 pounds that make my pants too tight. But that is all. Regarding the age thing, I like where I am in my life and I wouldn’t trade this time in my life for any other moment in my past, quite honestly.
Anyway, it just boils down to this fear that we all have, to some degree (whether it be in a work environment, in a gaggle of girls, or a relationship/marriage) the same insecurities, which on some level reflect that we feel we aren’t “enough” in that situation.
I’m occasionally afraid I won’t be enough for J, and if I get a little insecure-wonky on him (um, usually around “that time of the month”), he gives me this “look”, which makes me settle down…I know he is sitting here next to me because he wants to be, even if he has to put up with “my crazy”.
And sometimes, when he comes home and finds me in bed watching MTV and eating tamales and olives, he still arrives and still slides in next to me, he is still there in the morning with his leg flung over me, his face against my back and his hand holding mine, I look at him and just can’t believe it.