I was pouring my third (small) bowl of this sweet and cheesy popcorn my mom gave me as a present. It’s one of those things that happen where you never really know when to say “enough”.

But I actually said it out loud, to my silent kitchen, to the bowl of sweet and cheesy popcorn. I even poured it back into the bag and made myself a cup of tea.

I received an email from a friend yesterday after I sent out a quick artwork related email. He said:

“I thought of you the other day after getting an email notice that your sister had updated her Linked-in account. It’s funny to see that, or your emails about your art stuff. In my mind’s eye, you’re still the same age as I last saw you, not a full fledge grown up. If I admit my friends have gotten older, then my own youth illusion is shattered. I can’t possibly be old already.”

It made me think how I don’t mind my age of almost 38 or how I look. Sure, if I got more or better sleep these days, I wouldn’t have circles under my eyes. If I laid off the triple chocolate bread pudding (since I know how to make it now) I might be able to lose the 8 pounds that make my pants too tight. But that is all. Regarding the age thing, I like where I am in my life and I wouldn’t trade this time in my life for any other moment in my past, quite honestly.

Anyway, it just boils down to this fear that we all have, to some degree (whether it be in a work environment, in a gaggle of girls, or a relationship/marriage) the same insecurities, which on some level reflect that we feel we aren’t “enough” in that situation.

I’m occasionally afraid I won’t be enough for J, and if I get a little insecure-wonky on him (um, usually around “that time of the month”), he gives me this “look”, which makes me settle down…I know he is sitting here next to me because he wants to be, even if he has to put up with “my crazy”.

And sometimes, when he comes home and finds me in bed watching MTV and eating tamales and olives, he still arrives and still slides in next to me, he is still there in the morning with his leg flung over me, his face against my back and his hand holding mine, I look at him and just can’t believe it.

10 responses to this post.

  1. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has these moments of crazy. Insecurity is a funny thing, isn’t it?


  2. My wife is still trying to figure out why the hell I’m still sticking around after 16 years of her quirks and wonkiness.

    Tho the tamales and olives are pushing it a bit 😉


  3. *sigh*

    Needed this one tonight. Nice to know when you’re not alone in the ‘crazy’.

    Great post.

    Mmmmm…. olives….


  4. wahoo olives. as way of reply to your last comment, i wanted to offer my services for ‘deeply cutting remarks’ or ‘withering glances’ for that ex of yours. handicapped, my butt. i’m sure he’s a nice fellow for your girls and all but let me at him. (i got really mad…)
    wierd virtual mad.
    glad you like your wonky present life. so good to feel that way, mtv, olives and all.


  5. Sweet and Cheesy – reminds me of an old girlfriend.

    I’m comfortable with myself at 53. Sure I’d like to be younger. Maybe as you get older you don’t care. LOL

    I understand what you mean though. I have the eyes that could use more rest, I could leave a few beers in the fridge for another time.

    All in all I think J would love you anyway, no matter what.

    (and i still recall that Mall video)


  6. the other side of that coin, is that you put up with his quirks too and you’re growing older together. It’s not like he’s growing younger. So, the key is to find the person who reciprocates your feelings and who you mesh with. You’re both lucky you have someone who puts up with your crap and who’s crap you can put up with…Romantic, I know. Ha ha.


  7. I find that as I near 50, I am enjoying life more. I don’t have to answer to anyone about how I look or how I think or what I do. That is an amazing freedom, all the more amazing because I never realized it was missing back when I cared what other people thought. While I’d love to have my 20’s body back, you couldn’t pay me enough to repeat my teens and twenties and a good bit of my thirties either.

    Having someone who understands your craziness (or even just deals with it) is icing on the cake.


  8. Us guys are really not the hard to figure out. In fact, its best not to try. Women on the other hand are an entirely different thing and we men will never have you figured out. Thank god, or there would be no challenge.


  9. Posted by Mik on January 22, 2010 at 4:13 am

    I gave up trying to figure the wife out, we just put up with each others crazy. I’m glad she doesn’t eat olives in bed though, I can’t stand them and she loves them. But I’ll still kiss her after she’s been eating them.


  10. You’re doing GREAT! That is the best consequence she could have had. I have been saying that the problem with our society is that we are so afraid to make people have consequences and to hurt feelings. I guarantee she will remember that punishment, it WILL NOT scar, and she’s gonna think twice before pulling that again. You took back control, Mom! I say, Good Job! Now you can show her you love her without the tantrums.


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